Wednesday, September 16, 2009

How Star Trek saved our nation

The two men in rather odd yellow and blue t-shirts (one had alarmingly pointed ears) were as persuasive as they knew how with books, pictures and power point presentations after they were beamed down to President Lincoln's White House office in 1861.
Their argument was simple: let the South secede and send the Army of the Potomac north into Canada (a country not yet confederated). Save 600,000 lives, free the slaves and get Alaska in the treaty. As a man who understood that a house divided cannot stand, Lincoln agreed.
"I think the Vulcan mindmeld did it Jim," the pointy eared one said. "And it spared the Confederacy from the disgrace of being the only English-speaking country in history to be defeated in battle and occupied", the Captain replied.
The South was able to develop to its full potential from then on without gold, silver, oil or modern industry. People did leave for Alaska on the Alabaska Trail but most stayed on their plantations. Everyone had all the cotton balls they could ask for as well as Q Tips and 839,000,000 guns "so folks could feel safe".
The Confederate President in 2009 was one Wilson Crapnottle, a descendent of the family that invented "Mush Mouth",the national dish. a sugary stew of bourbon, pork and doughnuts. He was also a natural orator along the lines of Andy Griffith.
Meanwhile the US of Americanada became the most prosperous and respected country in the world. Captain Kirk knew that he had violated the Prime Directive by altering history but he said at his trial that he wanted the true north to play a bigger part on the world stage. President Gordon Lightfoot could only agree.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

How lucky can one guy be...

That's what you'll hear Dean Martin singing when you make a Big Win on his Wild Party slot machine. Some people won't wager a quarter in a slot while others prefer to put in a quarter and take out a million. The point is that you have to be in it to win it. And so this week I was treated to Dean's crooning when I had the biggest of big wins: I won $90 on a 30 cent bet. Was it fun? You bet and a lot more fun than Dawn Powell (good name, no relation) in her novel "The Wicked Pavilion" expects from "The Friendly loan agent, the Smiling Banker and the Laughing Financial Aid Counsellor". The casino is not only fun but as I've said here before, totally honest.
Here's the full libretto of Dean's Song:
How lucky can one guy be,
I kissed you and you kissed me.
And just like the fellow said,
Ain't that a kick in the head.
Yes, a metaphorical, musical kick is to be preferred to a literal, below the belt kick from Wall Street and the Banking industry.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

What happens in Vegas make me want to stay in Vegas

I first came to Las Vegas in 1948 when I was 13 years old. It's where I first tasted pizza. I've been back many times and now I call it home in the neon (that's what culture critic Dave Hickey calls it in his book of essays "Air Guitar". He likes the fact that everybody treats everybody the same). It's one of the great democratic aspects of a casino culture. Of course people from other places say that Vegas lacks culture (Define culture!)Of course the Strip has feather shows, Cirque de Nauseum and guys doing impressions of George Burns. However, there is a fine university, a philharmonic and a ballet (topless of course). But how many cities in the US have any cutting edge culture. Most orchestras play Beethoven and Bach, and the opera mounts the Ring wieder und wieder primarily to validate the middle class half asleep in their seats after a hard day of golf and vodka. You won't find much jazz on the air or in the air unless you live in NY.
Broadway seems to be stuck on a reef in the South Pacific and in rehashes of Andrew Paine Webber, er, sorry Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber...I was thinking of his millions. What do I like? The soft warm nights. The view of the Strip from my dining room window. My friendly new neighbors who brought us lasagna our first week. There are bookstores everywhere and lots of TV channels and internet to keep me amused. And if I really want to go highbrow for culture I can always check out the literary disco star Dr. Zhivegas.