Hockey nonsense

“I went to the Fights and a hockey game broke out”, quipped Rodney Dangerfield.
Funny? Yes it is. What isn’t funny are the deaths this year of three pro hockey
players and one amateur . Each one was a personal tragedy and had different circumstances but the unifying factor was that all three of the pros were “enforcers”, usually the biggest guy on the team that protects the smaller players. Outrage at these recent deaths was sufficient to produce letters of protest from people who blame fighting on the ice for everything. There was condemnation from a guy from the soccer hall of fame. Why not something from the synchronized swimming association, especially since the water in rinks is frozen. Some guy wanted a bigger international-size rink. We aren’t Sweden. One guy suggested that if a fight broke out we all stand up and turn our backs to the players. Maybe he means to moon them.
I played hockey from 14 to 18 and I was, I guess, an enforcer. I had to be since I was so slow and couldn’t dipsy doodle on scoring plays. I always made the team. You know what, those fights were actually fun and I couldn’t really hurt the other guy. Although one very tough hombre once loosened all my teeth. That’s why my favorite Christmas song is: “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth”. Look, fighting is just part of the game folks. They’re spontaneous and usually do not contain any malice aforethought. If you run into someone who holds strong opinions on hockey, ask him if he or she has ever played the game, do they know how to skate, have they ever seen a game, ever follow a team, know where the Flames and the Thrashers went (even Ken Jennings won’t know that). So if that person comes up empty, you’ll know that you are talking to someone Don Rickles would call “a hockey puck”.

Christopher Hitchens: truth-teller and patriot 1949-2011

We had the same hero—George Orwell. He wrote a magnificent book called, “Why Orwell Matters”. I named this blog American Orwell. We had the same friend, Salman Rushdie. When the fatwa went out on Rushdie, Chris defied the Ayatollahs on behalf of him, a very dangerous position then. I was only someone who Salman would visit in my London office when he got bored with his advertising assignments. He could speak eloquently on literature, politics and history. You can see why I admired Hitchens. He went to the barricades for the Kurds and called out frauds like Mother Teresa, Henry Kissinger and Bill Clinton. Meanwhile, I was in the nearest piano bar. I drank and smoked like Hitchens once upon a time until one night, after I drank too many martinis, my gall bladder erupted and I had to be carried to the nearest hospital emergency ward. That was the end of my bacchanal days at age 32. I also stopped smoking. One of Orwell’s “hard truths” is that we are all forgotten after one generation, and after two, no one will ever know we had been alive. On that point I disagree. People will be reading Christopher Hitchens for many generations to come.

JESUS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

Santa is the top banana now. I noticed on the Michael Buble Christmas show that there wasn’t a single carol, not even Silent Night. The tune I hear most often on television and Muzak is “Have yourself a merry little Christmas”, a wonderfully poignant wartime song, but not pious. Of course Christmas now starts five minutes after Thanksgiving and the cash registers do all the ringing. The old narratives have lost their power in our brave new world. Italy is in a fix but they aren’t turning to the Vatican for help, it’s the IMF. Decades ago Woody Allen said (not cruelly but irreverently): “There’s a real traffic jam in Manhattan today, is the Pope or some other show business personality in town?”
Today’s sports page has a droll item. The wife of baseball’s $254mllion man, Albert Pujols. said that she was indignant that the Cardinals only offered him $150 million. At first she said she was angry at God and the Cardinals but in the end “it’s just like God to put us on a team called the Angels”. Dear Mrs.Pujols, every theologian knows that God always favors the American League, especially the NY Yankees. So now we have a season dedicated to “The Miracle on 34th Street”, certainly not the one in Bethlehem.

Newt Romney All American

This new film is a heart-warming and thoughtful remake of the 1940 biopic of the legendary Notre Dame player and coach Knute Rockne. It was made by Warner Bros. This one is made by the Koch Bros.
We follow Newt from his early days as a serial adulterer to three wonderful weddings and various exciting religious experiences. He goes to Washington (but not like Mr. Smith) and garners so much power it costs him over $300,000 in ethics violations. There is a touching scene where he stands in front of the Lincoln Memorial and says, “If this Republican can make it so can I, and I’ll have an even bigger monument.” In the 1940 film Pat O’Brien, as Rockne, says to his players, “Let’s win one for the Gipper”, meaning George Gipp, played by Ronald Reagan. In the new film, Newt rallies his team with, “Let’s let the Gipper win one for us”. Charlie Sheen is the lead in a role he was born again to play. I can’t tell the surprising ending but it does show the small drinking fountain dedicated to him on K Street.. Oh, and the feature plays with a short titled “Our GOP Gang” where Presidential candidates play Alfalfa, Spanky, Buckwheat and Darla. So, so funny.