Say something witty

Don’t tell jokes under any circumstances. They’re long-winded, boring and usually not very funny. Try to emulate Oscar Wilde: ‘A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing”. Or try Noel Coward: “When I was in London I performed for café society, in Las Vegas I performed for Nescafe society”. Take a point of view that is skeptical and worldly. No mother in law jokes, no Lewinski jokes, no Tiger Woods jokes. You’re not there to trade one-liners with Henny Youngman. You’d lose every time. Use the language cleverly: “His limitations are boundless”. I got a fortune cookie today that said wisely: “Humor is an affirmation of dignity.” That’s the trouble with today’s stand up comics: no dignity, therefore no humor. Don’t use four letter words ever. You don’t want to be confused with a fourteen year old. Use the moment. Here’s an example: Red Skelton was one of the funniest men of the 20th Century playing the rube and the clown, but at the funeral of Harry Cohen, the bullying and unloved head of Columbia Pictures he remarked wittily at the large crowd at the service by saying: “Well, as Harry always said, give the public what they want and they’ll come”. Wit can bite and it should. Just look at the poetry of Alexander Pope. You’re exposing folly and pretension. Mort Sahl said he was very worried about the bowling alley they were putting in to the student union at Cal. Worried, why? Because he was afraid it was going to be a new Major. Brevity is the soul of wit. To wit: Noel Coward and a friend were at a reception in Africa when one of the pompous leaders came in followed by a diminutive aide. I wonder who that little fellow is?, asked the friend and Coward said, “Probably his lunch”. Remember Addison DeWitt, the critic in “All about Eve”? When Marilyn Monroe bombs at her audition for a play DeWitt recommends she try television. “Will I have to audition” she says, and he answers acidly, “My dear, television is just one big audition”. Of course television humor is a big business and if you ever get the opportunity to write for a late night show you can make $3500 a week. But you’ll be required to do 20 jokes a day and they won’t be memorable for more than a few minutes. I give the last word to Noel Coward: “Wit is like caviar, it should be served in very small portions, not sloshed about.”