New national symbol to replace American Eagle

Both houses of Congress as well as Fox News and MSNBC agree: our new symbol is the Carp. Yes, it's a large Asian fish who lives in sluggish waters and is often raised for food. But the real meaning is more political. To carp means to find fault and complain. Some Tea party people wanted the mastodon or sabre tooth tiger but it was pointed out that they had died just before Republicans were created. Speaking of outspoken creatures, there is now a comic strip named Mallard Fillmore, a right wing duck who carps about Obama and Hillary. After the funny and witty Donald and Daffy, this is a lame duck indeed. And a quack. This started with W in Texas with his inane figures of speech and his lethal call to arms. It has continued with the tongue-tied Governor Rick Perry and the blithering neophyte senator Ted Cruz. Their limitations are boundless. What's with Texas anyway? It reminds me of my favorite doctor joke. A doctor tells a colleague his patient has had a stroke, slurs all his words and nothing he says makes any sense. “Well,” the other doctor says, “he can always move to Texas”. At least we now have a President who is a real orator, maybe not Lincoln, but Lincolnesque. Do I carp? Probably. Long ago Mort Sahl said that a politician's safest statement was, “The future lies ahead”. Oh yeah? Who says?

The NRA and controlled insanity

There is a vast system of mental cheating in the US. It starts with a misreading of the 2nd Amendment, completely ignoring the phrase “a well-regulated militia” into guns for everyone including nuts. What we get is more gun deaths in America than in any other civilized country. The term “controlled insansity” is from the thesis for Orwell's “1984” called “The theory and practice of Oligarchial Collectivism” by Emanuel Goldstein. I read it last week. It's a thick and detailed treatise that leads from doublethink to Ignorance is Strength. The people you can trust with guns are the police and maybe some hunters (although Dick Cheney hits people as well as ducks). I grew up in Canada so I don't understand guns. I've never owned one and the only time I've ever used a rifle was to bring down clay pigeons. I suppose there'll be an effort to control these lethal automatics that can spray enough bullets to kill 20 innocent kids in a few minutes but the NRA is locked and loaded for anyone who challenges them. Homer Simpson, that everyman savant on Fox, summed it up with his remark when he joined the survivalist movement: “If Jesus had had a gun he'd be alive today”. Amen.

Actor Depardieu follows Napoleon into Russia

Eta ekonomicheskiya zadacha (It's an economic thing), using his new language to renounce his French citizenship and join Putin's brand of Liberte, egalite et fraternite. Gerard objects to the tax rate in France. Why didn't he just go to Montreal where taxes are low and they speak a rough form of French, and it's a whole lot warmer than the Russian Riviera. Actually the Russians I've met are a lot friendlier than your average waiter in Paris. I would also put any ballerina from the Bolshoi against any woman in France. Well, maybe not Catherine DeNeuve or Marion Cotillard or...you know what I mean. Usually it's artistic Russians like Stravinsky and Nabokov who head west to France. Still, we might get a new artistic combination. Scho idyat vi kino cevodnya vecherom? (What's playing at the movies tonight?) Gerard Depardieu in “Tovarich Mon Amour”

Fiscal follies? It's a no Boehner.

Yes, death and taxes are inevitable even for Republicans. Luckily we have a President and a Senate to protect the people and do the right thing. Frankly I'm sick of all of it. The NHL is on strike and baseball season is still months away. I'm certainly getting plenty of reading done and that's a plus. As Oliver Wendell Holmes once said, “Taxes are the price we pay for civilization”. You can look it up.

A Christmas Quandry

December 25th is more than a birthday: it's the most important day of the year. I mean it's more imporant for the US economy. The celebrations start with door busters the day after Thanksgiving, maybe even intruding on Thanksgiving, and ending with bargains well into January. Now, here comes Pope Benedict with the news that the 25th has nothing to do with the birth of Christ. It was a blunder of a 6th century monk who got mixed up with the calendar. And that's not the only error Benedict points out but let's not go there and instead concentrate on the important issue, when was Santa Claus born? Santa has no cross to bear, he's resurrected each and every year. When you listen to Eartha Kitt singing “Santa Baby” you're already in heaven. Still, there are mysteries to clear up. He visits every home in every town. He always came to my town on the Canadian prairie. We didn't even have to dream of a White Christmas, it came to town with Santa. Every year he makes a list and checks it twice because he wants to know who's been naughty and nice. How does he deal with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: he's on both lists! Better give him what he wants.

Have the movies lost it?

I read this week that attendance and revenue are down this year. I go to the movies quite often so it isn't my fault. However most films aren't made for me. “Dark Knight”? Not! A young woman said she didn't care for stories about the past, such as “The King's Speech” preferring modern stories like “The Social Network”, which is really just an update of “What Makes Sammy Run?” from the 1940's. Who wants costume stuff anyway, like Shakespeare and Ibsen, when you can see attractive young people ready to emote, mate and sometimes marry. I saw “Argo” this week and liked the script and the direction even though it's really an update on the WWII Errol Flynn escape movie: “Desperate Journey”--the one where the Nazi interrogator asks Ronald Reagan's character his nationality and Reagan answers, “Half American, half New Jersey”. A young guy in London said that he craved good writing but “Chinatown” was all he could find. I said, “I'll give you two wonderfully written films: “Double Indemnity” and “All about Eve”. He'd never heard of either one. One cheerful note, they're going to make some new Star Wars” episodes: “The Empire Holds an Election”? You can always count on remakes so look for: “King Kong in Hong Kong” with Jackie Chan and “The Count of Monte Cristo on Mars”, with Will Farrell. Anything that boosts the box office.

How to spend millions and annoy everybody

No, I'm not talking about the New York Yankees, I mean the round-the-clock bombardment of political advertising here in Las Vegas. More political commercials have aired here than anywhere else. It is the most saturated media market in the country, churning at the rate of 10,000 spots a week. I had insomnia last week and turned on the TV and there was a Crossroads message at 4 in the morning! Because I'm an Independent I'm in the crosshairs of Crossroads getting robocalls day after day. This is no way to befriend a voter. I don't care who they nominate I'm voting the straight Democratic ticket. There's an ancient saying in the advertising world where the client says, “I know half my money is wasted but I don't know which half.” I do: the half spent by the losers.