On every cover of Men’s Health there is some version of how to get super-strong abdominal muscles. You could write the headlines yourself: Build a bullet-proof gut…Make your abs into a wall of iron. This is the manifesto of men’s magazines. I must have missed something because I thought narcissim had to do with your features such as the shape of your nose, a strong jaw, a wonderful smile or heaven forbid, your IQ. Of course that demands some genetic predisposition. But Men’s Health is a reverse Dorian Grey: the readers age quickly and the magazine retains its youth and vitality. As Scott Fitzgerald said so knowingly: “the greatest thing life can give you is youth”. How many men are like Jack LaLanne, physically fit into their 90’s? Not very many. Yet, hope springs eternal despite the fact that the only six packs in most guys’ lives are in the fridge not the torso.
And then there are the pages devoted to sexually stimulating pinups, pharmacy and STD. Don’t know those letters? It used to be called syphilis, clap and gonorrhea. But STD (sexually transmitted disease) sounds better, The ads and editorial are so insistent that I’m surprised there isn’t a ruler on the page to measure your prowess. Since nearly 30% or all men suffer from PE (premature ejaculation) just keep turning the pages to some overpriced cologne or after shave ($35 per ounce for 15c worth of scent). Hey, here’s an idea, open the sample fold on the page and swipe it across your…no, never mind. As Dave Barry says in his new book, “I’ll mature when I’m dead”. The only person I ever knew who subscribed to Men’s Health was a 60 year old guy who was 150 lbs. overweight and couldn’t run a mile in 10 years. He was happily married with two fine kids. What ever was he looking for? Freud didn’t know what women wanted. Better make that men, too
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